Roger Cahak M.A., LPC, CTP

Vitalogy

Identity Becoming Ourselves Is our identity fixed by a certain stage in life, or is it always evolving?

Updated March 12, 2025 | Reviewed by Davia Sills

Key points

Our identity changes as we evolve into the person we become.

The journey to discovering who I am begins by investigating who I was.

We can learn to embrace the ambiguity of all that we are.

Source: Olly/Pexels

One of life’s grand existential inquiries is launched by a simple yet fundamental question: “Who am I?” The answer to that query is nuanced and evolves seismically for some, based on one’s season of life, emotional development, and depth of understanding. Quite possibly our conceptualization of who we are ebbs and flows along a continuum of change. We grow, over time and space, into the identity we eventually settle upon.

The journey to discovering who I am begins by investigating who I was. Were my childhood needs met, or did I feel neglected, manipulated, or subjugated? Was I loved unconditionally, or were provisions placed upon my acceptance and embrace? How effectively did I cope with, adapt to, and overcome my young life’s unmet needs and desires?

Since I’m a psychotherapist, I suspect my perspective is a bit skewed. Most of my clients crave validation that they are enough, with no caveats. As an older therapist, I often assume the role of surrogate father, either unconsciously, subconsciously, or in some cases, consciously. As such, my job is to create space for, listen to, and accept people for who and what they are. Period. That unconditional positive regard, as it’s been termed, is a foreign concept to so many.

There is a void in their life because they have felt different, inadequate, maybe even deficient. They long to be seen, heard, and accepted—and to matter. We all want a community in which to belong, but too often we’re just scrambling to fit in. We’re like a chameleon, changing constantly, trying to be who we think others want us to be. Why? So we won’t be rejected for being who we are.

So, in order for people to move forward in their quest to conceptualize and establish their identity, they need some help understanding the intricacies of their story and who wrote it. Quite often, our stories are not self-authored but rather dictated by other people, events, and circumstances. This ghostwritten interpretation doesn’t allow us to experience agency, freedom of expression, and blanket acceptance of self. The challenge, moving forward, is to assert control and assume authorship of the script.

As we edit, rewrite, and craft our first-person tale of self, it’s helpful to understand archetypes. Carl Jung first theorized and articulated his theory of collective unconscious archetypes in 1919. He identified four foundational bases from which all human experience emanates: the persona, the anima/animus, the shadow, and the self.

All this to say, despite the simplicity of the thesis inquiry (Who am I?), the answer takes time to be revealed, if it ever is. The question may be unanswerable for some, unknowable for others. And yet, searching for an answer is indeed a noble, necessary, and worthwhile pursuit. It is a full-hearted, hang-on-for-your-life expedition of self-discovery.

And to be sure, we will surely identify incongruities that are ambiguous and confusing as all get out. How can we be both kind and cruel, confident and insecure, generous and stingy? Because that is the human condition. Nobody is one thing all the time. We are a confounding conglomeration of contradictions. That’s a mouthful—but it’s the truth.

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A high-school football star can marry his prom-queen sweetheart before finding the courage to explore his sexuality, come out as gay, and live happily ever after with the man of his dreams. Likewise, the goody-two-shoes valedictorian might one day succumb to the pressures of expectation, become addicted to heroin, and be forced to turn tricks to sustain the vicious cycle that has become her life. There are countless stories that illustrate similar ambiguity and further complicate our identity.

Sometimes happenstance can play a role in our journey through life. We can be inexplicably and foundationally changed by someone we meet. Likewise, our perspective can shift after reading, hearing, or observing something profound—provided we open ourselves up to it. That often requires us to move beyond the familiar to explore the hinterlands of our psyche and imagination. Growth does not occur in a stagnant vacuum.

Who and what we are today might not be who and what we become tomorrow. The calculus is complex and evolves as do life’s circumstances and experiences. Eventually, our persona is able to relax its reputation management system after our shadow releases the shame it has been holding captive. Then we are free to liberate ourselves from what has been, accept what is, and assume authorship of our story going forward. In doing so, we eventually grow into and embrace our true identity—whatever it turns out to be.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.